June is again a mourning month. Last year it was my beloved Cookie, my shadow, my joy. This year it is an elderly relative. Today is her funeral and I can't be there. I feel I am in the wrong place at important times - the milestones are in a different hemisphere, in a zone I can't reach. It's as if I am peeking at a play from behind a heavy curtain. The play is actually my life and I'm banned from taking part. I know that sounds extreme, but that is the emotion deep in my gut and it just won't go away.